The Why vs. The Why Me

Lately I have been focusing on the Why.  Not to be confused with the why me, that I have struggled with in the past.  It’s not that I don’t still struggle with the Why Me… I do just not as often.  In some ways I feel I have made a bit of peace with the why me.  Learning to take the good with the bad the natural ebb and flow of life.  Focusing more on the haves and less on the have not’s.

  This is a great way to live, it would be oh so wonderful  to think that I can just bottle up my fears, sadness, and anger that go along with the Why Me. It’s not realistic for me to think that I can do that…it’s not just a switch I can turn on and off and even if I could,  I’m not sure I want to… it reminds me to enjoy the good and the normal so much more.   It has also helped me work my way through to want to know the Why.

I want to know what my purpose is.  Not matter your religious beliefs (trust me I am still trying to figure mine out)  I know that I do believe that each and every one of us has a purpose.  I know that my main purpose is to be the best wife to Mike (I am working on it) and the best mother to both Kathryn and Patrick.  To be a respectful loving daughter, and to be a kind and caring citizen.  But, I think there is something more I can and should be doing.

Our life has been a state of unknown scary limbo for the last year and a half… the last 18 MONTHS. Katy has  been listed on the heart transplant list for EIGHTEEN MONTHS! Pretty much unheard of…   But, really our future has been unknown and scary since I was 18 weeks pregnant with my baby girl and the doctors first uttered those words. “There is something seriously wrong with your baby’s heart”  on that warm, sticky August day when our world would never be the same and I spent the follow days, thrashing around in my bed inconsolable screaming WHY ME?!?! Why our baby that we have prayed for, begged for, endured more medical procedures and heartache then I ever thought possible.   Maybe I have just focused on the more of the Why now because  I realize that I may never know the Why Me?  or maybe just maybe if I find the Why the answer to the Why Me will come.

The most important thing I have learned is to enjoy the small things.  To really stop and take in your surroundings and be thankful for all you have.  I have learned I am able to get by on a lot less, and still have a pretty amazing life.  I have learned that people will surprise you when you least expect it and that one way or another we will be provided for.  I have learned that I can count on my parents, friends, loved ones and strangers.  I have learned people want to help… I have learned it is OK to accept help.  I have learned that I can not control it all no matter how hard I try, and that in some instances it is better to give up control and just enjoy whatever the plan is.  I don’t know how this story ends, but I do know if it were to all end tomorrow I could  some how make peace with it.  Knowing that I lived each and every second not worrying about our future.

I don’t know where my search for the Why is going to take me. I do know that I have a purpose and when I figure it out I am going to do BIG things with it! Big!! 

For now I am going to be focusing on working on being the best wife and mom that I can be and spend some more time feeling happy… it’s a feeling I haven’t felt in some time and it feels A.M.A.Z.I.N.G

These guys might have something to do with it…