Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Some Days It’s Hard to not say “It’s Not Fair”

 

Today is one of those days.  I am writing through the tears, in hopes that getting it out will make me feel better so I can face another day.  Today is the first day of school in Wakefield.  Facebook is flooded with all the adorable First Day of School photos… there are no first day of school pictures for my girl.  Katy is at the Children’s Hospital ER with a not one bad line but two… which means she will be getting and new IV while the team decides what to do… it means more then likely she will be admitted and our family torn a part once again. 

My poor baby she has been through so much… and its so not fair.  I wish I could do it for her.  I wish she never had to see the inside of that damn hospital again.  I wish that this was not her normal….this is NOT normal.   I wish that she didn’t have to be  amazingly stronger than any child should have to be, stronger than most adults. 

I wish that my son… didn’t have to worry about his sister.  He has a concerned look that not 3 year old should have. 

I wish that Mike and I could go on a much needed vacation… oh how we dream of having our toes in the sand and a cold beer in our hands. 

I wonder what it would be like had I not lived the last 5 plus years in constant fear and uncertainty.  Would I be a better wife, mother, daughter, friend.  I wonder what it would feel like to sleep through the night… I wonder what it feels like to be rested. 

I worry about my husbands health… I worry that he is to busy taking care of us… that he is not taking care of himself.

I wonder if our marriage will survive the constant beating it has taken over the last 10 years. 

I wonder if we are being fair to Katy…. putting her through all this. Are we being selfish.  When is it to much intervention. 

Please keep my sweet wonderful girl in your thoughts and prayers today.  Please hug your sweet children a little tighter and thank god for their health.

4 comments:

Melinda said...

You are in my thoughts, and my prayers Amiee

Dirt Road Quilter said...

Oh, you sweet, precious Girl! My heart is breaking for you and Katy and your entire family, but don't beat yourself up about the fact that "It's not fair" because it isn't - not by a long shot.I hope that you have someone close that is not family to pour your heart out to. I am glad that you share what you do here - it gives me the opportunity to step up my daily prayers. I wish, wish, wish there was something else I could do. May God give you strength and comfort and healing. Sending prayers and hugs and lots of love.

KB said...

Selfish for wanting her whole and healthy? HARDLY!! That's called being an awesome mom!!

Katy is an amazing little girl. To see her smile in all your photos... well, that girl has spunk!! She will get through this. You will find a new normal someday, and hopefully someday soon!!

In the meantime, you are right - it's NOT fair. Not by a longshot. But it is what it is, and you are an incredible mom with an incredible kid!!

Anonymous said...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you. and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I read your blog weekly and pray for Katie and your family.