Thursday, January 28, 2010

Post Traumatic Stress?

Could it be that two years later I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress?

As you may or may not know Kate’s delivery and first few weeks of life were pretty traumatic, at the time I didn’t really think so, since I was too busy just trying to keep it together and get through my days.

Clinically Kate is doing FANTASTIC!!! Better then anyone had hoped. So why when I went up to visit the newest Murphy addition on Monday night, while he was so brand new mom and baby were still in recovery. Why, when I was driving home the 40 minutes or so in the rain, did I have a complete break down thinking about Kathryn’s “Birth” day?

I’ve been blessed with visiting many babies in the past two years, heck I even had a relatively normal delivery and hospital stay with Patrick. (You would of thought that if Post Traumatic Stress was going to roar its ugly head it would have been then)

I get home and I am a hot mess…My poor husband, what could he say… He was just as surprised as I was, I think he secretly hoped he had dodged that mess, and I was really Super Woman and would never ever bring up the fact that I had my baby, the baby I waited 6 YEARS to hold, the baby that was a miracle in every sense of the word, the baby that I did not loose to a miscarriage as I had done with the 4 previous pregnancies before her, the baby girl that was really mine that we had both dreamed and prayed for for the last 35 weeks ripped from my arms in recovery and taken by ambulance to Children’s Hospital in the snow without her mommy.

Why did that happen, why when I sit here typing I hear my sweet baby girl laughing and giggling with her daddy and sweet brother.

Why now?! Why when she just learned to say “Wuv you mommy” Music to my ears.

Kate is everything I could have hoped for and more. We have a fantastic life and try to live each day to its fullest. We have fun making lots of memories ( I have the 10,000 plus photos to prove it) Why am I even thinking about the memories I didn’t get to make with her and I cuddling in a hospital bed, why am I thinking about that my sweet baby girl didn’t get to eat for the first five days of her life, why am I thinking about her 1st bath given by a nurse being careful not to get her pic line wet. Why now?!

The bigger question is how do I get over this…How do I put this behind me?!

1 comment:

Nicole said...

Oh Amiee, although I do not share the exact same situation, I still have so much guilt about not being able to have those moments with Nate when he was born. I never got to hold him after his birth, and that stayed with me for so long. It is not as difficult when that is all you know, but when you get to experience those first moments "uneventfully" (I know that is a silly way to describe it)you realize just how much you missed out on. Totally understandable how you are feeling. Please let me know if I can help at all.