Saturday, June 12, 2010

Warning:  This post is not a happy puppy dog rainbow post.  This post is REAL and is where I am at this moment in this journey.

I am overwhelmed, overwhelmed doesn’t even do what I am feeling justice.  Overwhelmed with all the choices we have to make regarding Katy’ care…taking care of Patrick.  You know still trying to live life with a head above water

I am afraid… a fear like I have never known.  My 2.5 year old daughter could die of sudden cardiac arrest.

I’m angry… WHY ME! WHY KATE! WHY US!!! I

I’m frustrated at our family members that are just so selfish they are useless and to our other family members that are still in denial…both annoying things to have to deal with  I mean we are facing life altering things here.

I’m sad… I’m yearning for all the hopes and dreams I had for where we would be at this point in my life and let me tell sitting and waiting with my two year old on heart transplant list wasn’t part of it.

I’m disappointed that Life doesn’t just stop and wait for us to get over this HUGE event and then pick up where we left off…that would make this process almost bearable.  But, nope our lease is up in September, so we must start searching for apartments in this area.  Must be close to Children's, laundry still piles up, dinners need to be made and birthdays need to be celebrated. 

I miss my friends… I feel like I haven’t been invited to a mommy or baby play date in forever, and I am guessing its because I had to cancel so many ;(

I miss my husband… I miss the connection, love and fun we had on a daily basis, now its all we can do to get through the day without killing one another.  I know we will get through this, and will probably be stronger for it afterwards.

I’ll try not to let these negative posts sneak through too often, but sometimes I need to get it out?




Anonymous said...

Amiee, Your feelings are real - valid - and true. And the simple afct is, you don't want the pollyanna 'it'll all be allright" because YOU know "What if it isnt" No one can tell you it's going to be allright, and not listening right now, or trying to falsely comfort you right now, will only serve to make you feel isolated.

I don't know how you feel, I can't imagine. But I am angry FOR you, for a dream denied, for having to go through the sh*ttiest possible thing, and for having to face it AT ALL in this lifetime. You and your family, no one, deserves this kid of pain.

I'm listening to you - and if you need to talk - I'm hear to listen ore.

xoxo - banshee

Kristi Vega said...

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I can relate to your post. I was there, in the SAME place you are describing, a year ago.

You have my number. PLEASE use it anytime. If I don't answer I will call you when I have quiet to talk. But I also know that talking isn't always what feels best. Sometimes it's just easy to keep it all inside and sort it out in there, and I understand that.

But most of all, let yourself experience these emotions. Don't let anyone tell you to get past all of those feelings, it is part of the process. You have later to be strong, to fight, to deal, and to accept. Right now, in this stage, just BE in the feelings you have right now.

No, this was never part of the dream, the long term plan. This changes everything, it changes your life. That takes a while to adjust to.

Though we hardly know each other in real life, our connection is deep. I am here, k? XOXO

LaurenMissesYou said...

Hey cousin,

I cannot even imagine how this feels. I can't believe ANYONE, lease of all family and friends, could be anything less than supportive and loving in your time of need. I hope that as time goes on those causing you grief/annoyance change their tune.

I am always thinking of you guys! Let me know when you want to get together. I can usually, but not always, borrow my mom's car.

<333 Love you and your family so much,

& Sierra too

Lennie Weese said...

After I got my heart transplant and I no longer had my pacemaker, I had that fear also, that now I could have sudden cardiac death.
I know what you mean about people being so blase and you are making these life altering decisions. When I was diagnosed and got my pacemaker years ago, I felt like I could have no emotions, so I never cried publicly about it. A few months later my cousin broke a finger and the whole family freaked out, I was like: "Hello, I am over here and was just told I needed a heart transplant and half of you didn't visit me in the hospital". Most people were only there for me or saw me after transplant-after the drama.
I also know how you just need the world to stop for a while and let you deal with this. I just wanted to put off paying bills and such. And I was supposed to graduate from college this year, but wasn't able to because I was in the hospital so much. I so badly just wanted the world to stop because I did not want to be that person that took 5 years to get a degree. I think between that and all of my friends getting engaged after their graduations, that has been hardest on me.
All I can say is everything gets better after transplant. Everyone is so relieved and things are just better. My father went from taking 3 anti-anxiety pills a day before tranplant, to one after transplant. I also have a much better relationship with my family becasue everyone is less stressed.
This is such a good place to get all of your emotions out, it is like a therapy session that you don't have to schedule or see ANOTHER doctor for, lol. If you has any questions about medical procedures, side effects, etc. I am always more than willing to share what has gone on with me.
You should check out (when you have a second), it has people of all ages that are pre and post transplant that are of all ages, you might find another mother in your situation.