Sometimes it’s hard not to let your mind go there…
This post was very difficult to write, it may be difficult to read. I thought about not publishing it and after the 30 minute break I needed to cry in between, Mike thought I wasn’t ready to write it. I am. And in my promise to keep it real I am sharing it.
Sometimes its hard not to let my mind go to the place, where the ending of our story is not a happy one. For the most part, I seem to block that place out… we all know that it is a possibility…not a probability, but a very scary possibility.
Maybe it’s a good thing that I have that lingering in the back of my head, it makes me live each moment and each day! I try to soak up the moment, the memory, no matter how small or typical it may be,
never trying to never to take a moment for granted.
But, knowing me and knowing my knack for wanting perfection…not for everything in my life, but I want each first to be just right, the kids in perfect clothing, perfect moods and enjoying the experience as much as I think they should. I know not my finest quality. But, I have tried to change and haven’t been successful, so now we all just try to work with me on it.
So now with that bad ending looming in my mind…EVERYTHING needs to be just perfect, for the reason being that it may be a last. That means Mike’s birthday had to be celebrated in a HUGE way and even though Katy’s trip to the ER through off our plan…both kids stayed up until 1030PM because they had to be there to sing Happy Birthday…there may not be a next time.
Today we went to Kimball’s…Mike suggested skipping the bumper boats (to save money) I wanted to skip the bumper boats because I was sporting a skirt. But we had to do them…what if its our last visit to Kimball’s. Let me tell you neither Mike or I have any regrets…Katy LOVED them and spent the rest of the afternoon talking about the boats and crashing mommy and brother.
Our plans for the 4th (happens to be one of my favorite holidays) fizzled out at the last minute. So we were left with nothing to do and I cried for a good 40 mins… frustrated that I spent a ridiculous amount of money on Kathryn & Patrick’s festive swimwear, oh and the patriotic outfits for fireworks.
I have always had the need for things to go a certain way. Admittedly the certain way is usually my way. And now its even more necessary, I feel that so much is riding it.
That’s not to say that sometimes I am normal and think that if Katy girl asks me one more time what I am doing… I will LOOSE my mind. Because that happens to, and more often than not I feel terrible mommy guilt after.
See, I find myself in a very difficult place. Let me try and explain. I want to raise Katy to be a kind, caring, responsible human being, you know it case this all ends with a fairytale ending. But, part of me never wants to see her hurt, or angry or frustrated, I want her to want for nothing. But, again if we get the fairytale ending we are all hoping and praying for, once she gets her new heart…she will not be a very nice little girl. She will be Verucka Salt…you know the little puke from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I just want to be the very best mommy for Miss Kate and Patrick. I know that parenting is a difficult job I just never thought it would be this hard.